“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Who hasn’t drawn strength from these Proverbial words? For many, they serve as a hope against the tide of secularism and cultural confusion. For others, they are a promise that reassures doubts about parental shortcomings.
But, most pastors and church leaders will admit they all know congregants for whom these words are a tough pill to swallow. Parents who “did everything right,” who raised their kids in a solid church environment, who were not hypocrites, and who, more than anything else, prayed regularly for their kids to serve God. And yet, those kids at some point, either in their teen, college, or adult years, walked away from church and have not returned.
It’s heartbreaking.
And more so if you are a pastor or church leader. There can be guilt: “What did we do wrong?” There can be shame: “We’ve failed God.” There can be questions: “Should I be in church leadership?” All these responses are sadly normal and often hard to get past.
Sure, there are cases of belligerent pastoral parents who took out ministry frustration at home: yelling, threatening, huffing, puffing, and everything short of blowing the house down. Everyone understands why kids in that environment would quit church as soon as they leave home, and possibly why they might reject God altogether.
Most cases are not like that, though. Many ministry homes are filled with love, laughter, and faithfulness. Many pastors do not subordinate the sheep under their own roof to others in the flock; their lambs are well-tended. Many pastors spend time praying with their kids, reading the Bible with them, taking them on fun family trips, and encouraging them along their personal journey. Yet, in spite of focused discipleship, some of them leave the church when they become adults.
It’s important to remember not everyone who quits attending church—pastoral offspring or otherwise—intends to quit Christianity or reject God. For some, doubtless, quitting church is the same as those in Jesus’ day who “turned back and followed him no longer.” False conversions are real. “Not everyone who says Lord, Lord” is still in the Bible.
For others, though, quitting church is the best way they have found to deal with some of the incongruities they experienced in church. Never underestimate the ability of a pastor’s kid to pick up on political machinations from church members. Pastors’ kids can be acutely aware of people in their church who dislike their parents. And the performative pressure many pastors’ kids feel from church members or parental expectations doesn’t always erupt until after they’re grown. It takes some longer than others to resolve the Corinthian behavior prevalent across church life.
If you’re the parent of an adult child who has left the church, and you are living with guilt or shame, here are a few thoughts that may encourage you.
The most important thing is maintaining a good relationship.
If your adult kid has left the church, the chances are high that they already know all the reasons to come back. You can beat that dead horse until the hide is gone, but it likely won’t help. Instead, focus on their present-day lives and avoid the temptation to baptize every conversation by referencing a Christian sportsperson, celebrity, or your latest devotional book. Show you can have a relationship on their terms, not yours.
Sometimes, a good relationship must follow a restored relationship. Perhaps there was a serious offense, emotional distance, or an unrealized mistake. Have honest, unvarnished conversations. Respond with humility. Repent where necessary.
Seek to understand their perspective, even if you disagree with their decisions.
Over the last several years, a goodly number of adults I pastored when they were kids or teens have contacted me via social media about what they see as troubling hypocrisy in church leaders they knew back then. Because of it, or partially so, some have left the church; some have left the faith.
“Well, you should just ignore all that…” is the worst way to reconnect them to church or the faith. Many have perspectives we can learn from and better understand not only them, but also their numerous friends who are in the same position for similar reasons.
Sometimes, we might even learn something about ourselves.
Remember that your adult kids are God’s responsibility.
When our kids were young, dependent on us for food, shelter, and clothing, it generally followed that their spiritual growth was our responsibility. We were the ones “training them up.” We can’t blame deacons and elders if we made mistakes.
But, when kids become adults, they are God’s responsibility. If they aren’t genuinely converted, clearly the Spirit needs to draw them. If they are converted and are either dealing with church trauma or fallen back into a life of sin, then the same Spirit must draw them. There may come a time when some tragedy opens the door for a bold conversation. Absent that or another open door, pray for the ministry of the Spirit to bring them home and rest patiently in his omniscient work.
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